Panic Attack

Nerves crackling like a wild-fire out of control
Stomach churning so fast, the motor is going to burn out
Head spinning like a top on the edge of the table
Feet pacing deep grooves into the carpet
Sweat pouring down my back like a waterfall
Body trembling so hard, it triples my vision
Fear claws its way up the back of my throat with razor sharp talons
Walls closing in quickly, nowhere to go, nowhere to hide
Can’t think or feel or breathe or move
This too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass
Why isn’t it passing?
Eternity threatens and tortures me with no mercy
Silence and stillness for which I have prayed for comes
I am now left broken, exhausted, and shadowed by shame
But I have survived and made it through, yet again

Life Is

Reading and writing

Feeling and sharing

Learning and growing

Sympathy, empathy, and disapproval

Rejoicing, grieving, reaching, relating

Falling down and getting up

Tenacity and determination

Doubting, questioning, challenging,

Taking a stand and standing up for others

Beliefs, morals, values, and virtues

Conquering, overcoming, and rising above

Never giving up

and

Succeeding yet again, in spite of negativity

A Continuum of Love

Love is an act and it is an emotion.

Love is something we do and something we feel.

Love is a blessing and it is a curse, a duty, and a gift.

Love can make us do things we never would do in its absence.

Love can lead us astray or put us right where we need to be.

Love can be tender and gentle

Love can be tough in order to get a point across or a lesson learned.

Love can create bliss or can be excruciatingly painful.

Love can save and it can destroy.

Love can be used as an excuse or

Love can make sense of things that otherwise wouldn’t.

Love is a cure or can become a disease.

Love can be given and it can be taken away.

Love can be shared among many

Love can be hoarded and controlling.

Love can set you free and it can bind you helplessly.

Love is liberating and it is debilitating, is boundless  and paralyzing.

Love can bring you happiness or it can cause you misery.

Love can give you a desire to live it can be the start of your demise.

Love can combine two souls into one or can shatter one soul into fragments.

Love is as simple as it is complex.

Love costs nothing and can cost you everything.

Love can blind you and it can give you insight or seen in hindsight.

Love can shake you to the core or melt you into a puddle.

Love can seek and find and it can run away and hide.

Love is in our memories, our decisions, our successes and our failures.

Love can become hot and steamy and it can turn cold as ice.

Love can make things right with the world and it can turn your world upside down.

Love can be honored and it can be manipulated.

Love is for fools.

Love is for everybody.

Love is universal.

Time Stands Still

A kiss? No, not really. More a whisper of lips brushing lightly, followed by that first, sharp intake of breath.

Gentle hands caressing skin so soft it’s almost as if it’s not there, until the goose flesh rises, betraying its existence.

Fingertips trembling over a path the tongue will soon follow, triggering surging shivers in ripples to places unknown.

Touching and tracing, tasting and teasing, exploring and discovering, giving and taking, memorizing every inch.

Reaching inside, penetrating the vulnerable openness, connecting body and soul, discovering depths of warm, wet satin and melting in spite of strength.

The sweet flavor, the scent of heat, the song of moaning praising in approval, and the moment that control is lost is overwhelming.

Finally, sliding in deep, moving so slowly to prolong the magic as long as possible, filling completely, and then taking it back.

Hips rising and falling, finding a steady rhythm, moving in perfect sync with shallow breathing, both increasing of their own accord.

Blue eyes moist with tears of passion, begging for eternity, mesmerized, hypnotized, and rewarded.

Sensitive nipples between firm lips, pressing in deeper, searching for the electric shock of clamping teeth.

Biting down, testing the limits of their soft surface versus the hardness within, born from the intensity of touch and the excitement that follows.

Timid tenderness gives way to tremendous tremors of urgency as suddenly, an explosion like a grand finale of fireworks, booming, bursting, sizzling.

A beauty so amazing, so incredible, so spectacular and just when it seems like it’s over, time stands still.

Waves of pleasure wash over and crash through without mercy, ultimately binding two beings into one.

Is it the end? No, it’s just the beginning…

My Debt To Daddy

Dull orange-brown coats everything

Greasy, grimy drippings down the wall

Hair coating the floor, the counter, the sink

There is something distorted below the lights

I am afraid to breathe

 

I had a debt I could not pay

Dad had a room he would not clean

I made the proposal

He accepted almost without hearing

It didn’t matter to him

 

Now I am stuck, but I know

It is the right thing to do

I spray and scrub and clear away the grunge

Turning dinginess and filth

Into white and sparkling again

 

I work hard and do my best

I see the symbolism

As the slate is wiped clean

So is the surface under the light

And I realize it is a mirror

 

My reflection and my conscience

Staring back at me

Whole again

Now, I am happy

And that is what repaid my debt to Daddy

She’s Gone

The night is my enemy.

 

Darkness and silence

its weapons.

Pain and fear

its ammunition.

And death, my death,

its ultimate victory.

 

My heart is broken

my soul is empty

my stomach sick

from all the tears

I cannot shed.

 

Cold, invisible fingers

close around my throat

robbing me of air

but I don’t care.

I’m drowning anyway.

 

And I’m angry!

I’m so very angry

at all who care about me

obligating me to go on

enveloped and submerged

in this deep, eternal pain of mine.

 

I cannot bear it much longer…

Dear Self

How are you?

Who are you?

What have you become and why?

Are you happy with yourself? Why or why not?

You can’t change what you have done before this moment

It is something you have done still unresolved?

Holding you back?

Keeping you down?

Preventing you from moving forward

And becoming who you’d like to be, who you should be?

Take a look. What do you see?

Don’t stay long

Make note of the thorns you have driven deep

Into your sides and into the sides of others.

Are they still suffering? Are you?

Maybe you can’t change or heal their pain or your own

Is there something not yet revealed?

What’s kept hidden in your darkness

That if let go could possibly set them or yourself free?

Now is the time.

Stop the madness.

Give yourself worth and maybe you will find hope.

You’ve killed your past, but are here in your present

You have the power and the will right now to save your future.